I’ve been writing and rewriting this post in my head for about a month now…you think I would have come up with a title. Here’s what I’ve got. A few years ago before we moved, I had the most perfect running buddy. She is a for-real runner. She pushed me to the point where I was knocking out 10 miles a go without flinching. Good conversation is a powerful thing, people. Anyways on one of our last runs I said, “Hard doesn’t happen.” At first I thought that idea was unique to my season in life, my exact situation as a stay at home mom of little (sometimes maniacal) human beings who also happens to be co-farmer of a small urban farm thing. Nope, it doesn’t matter where you are at in life, unless you find a way to make “x” thing you want to accomplish not hard, it won’t happen. Well, blogging for me right now is hard.
It’s not really the little helpers, that are 1) trying to type for me using their feet as they color on the white wall above the computer with a blue sharpie or 2) demolishing my bookshelves/sewing table/bathroom as I’m tied to the keyboard trying to finish a post. (As I typed that Layna ripped open a sewing pattern and Corra sucked on a spool of thread before throwing it across the room). Sleeping kids doesn’t help because the baby one sleeps in the same room as my computer.
That would be hard enough, but like it said, it’s not really that.
It’s the fact that I don’t need to share like I did, it’s writers block and photo block and feeling like I’m being redundant. I don’t ever want to fake this or contrive something to meet a deadline I’ve inflicted on myself. There are still events and drama and life and awesome things happening (new goats with no ears are coming in a month, Layna is turning 4 in two days, we finished our physics class with homemade dry ice root beer, etc. etc. etc.). It’s just hard, and for me hard doesn’t happen.
If I wasn’t Mormon I’d be a strange amalgamation of eastern religion/philosophies with some serious Taoist underpinnings. I’m very sensitive to how things feel and fit into my day and I’m not one to force things (see also my homeschooling methodology/philosophy). Blogging has slowly gone from something that was effortless and naturally something I just did, to something I have to schedule in my planner and fight to make happen. And it’s not a fight I’m winning. Obviously.
I’m going to miss this space I’ve claimed here on the internets and the respite from the guilt I feel about not keeping a journal (blogging is a totally legit alternative). Writing is good for my soul and maybe the absence will be so keenly felt it will magically just start jiving again. Hopefully, I’ll be able to take a break and come back fresh and the fight won’t feel like a extra thing glaring at me from my to do list.
Of course this post is mostly for me, because I’m weird and need definition and official declarations. Viva le Structure! Wait, What? (I like to think this side of me perfectly compliments the hippie flower child of the previous paragraphs, a yang to her yin, if you will). Actually, I just kind of live in conflict most of the time. Hippie is passive aggressive and EconomicsDegree resents her something fierce. What I’m trying to say is that I am taking a small leave of absence from Comfy Posy and my Farm Blog. Hanging my “Gone Fishing” sign. And my “Be Back in an Hour” sign. Thanks for reading. Knowing that there is someone on the other side of this, listening and laughing at my foibles makes it so much more fun and worth while.