Her tombstone messed me up. I’m sitting here typing through tears because I looked at that stupid picture. I don’t know what it is about her tombstone, but it hits me really hard every time. I guess it’s because only dead people have them and there is still a big part of me that isn’t ready for my mom to be dead. I promised a real post about her and her memorial service in Vegas and now that it comes time to write it, I’m not sure what to say. This is probably going to be more of a travel log than a reprisal of my talk or any sort of tribute post about her. I’m not there yet. I hope I will be there someday, because she loved my blog and I want to write about her. She continues to drive me crazy, I miss her laugh and smile, and I miss so much just knowing she is a text away. I want so badly to talk to her about people’s reactions (good and bad) to her death…I wish she wasn’t gone.
There were so many amazing pictures that my sisters had on display. My phone had died so I didn’t get half of the pictures of the events that I wanted to. Sigh. I’ll get them someday and make a book or something. That’s one of the hardest things for me right now…the events that kept her around are over. I’m not sure how to keep her here and still continue on with my normal life. I miss her.
The flights were good and Corra is a fan of air travel. We got dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with a salsa bar that was worth the trip right there.
The service was a lovely hot mess. Somehow it was accomplished and had just enough things go wrong that it couldn’t have been more perfect. My goal was to speak without ugly crying and I did that, so, winning. Actually, it went better than I had hoped and was deeply gratifying to have done her proud. Garyn fell apart during the service, as I thought he might. I saw so many people who knew me as a kid/teen and it was awesome to see so many people who loved mom. I think she would have been pleased with the turnout. The luncheon was great and such fun to see so many reconnecting and visiting and laughing together. I pared down the pictures of all the people considerably. You’re welcome.
We ended the day with a Christmas classic (Muppet Christmas Carol) in the hotel room and early bedtime for our drive to California the next morning.
We had time to drive all around Grandma and Grandpa’s old places in Arcadia and some I remembered from when I was tiny. Then we stopped at my Dad’s to change before heading to the interment. That was way harder on me than the memorial service in Vegas…not sure why but it was brutal. Aaron White played a flute he made and it was beautiful. My best friend from when we lived in Vegas and my cousin (whom I’m super close to) both drove up to see me and give me a hug. It was epic and so great to see them both. There were tons of people I didn’t know which was fine…I didn’t really want to talk much. Mom is in good company next to Grandpa Lou and Grandma Jasmine. Then we left. And now it’s over. And I keep trying to find a new normal.
The 23rd of December will be one month she’s been gone and I keep having moments where I find it hard to breathe. Moments when I cry so hard I can’t see straight. I feel older now and deeper somehow. There are some beautiful things about grief and I’m learning weird things about myself in this process. We are just scratching the surface, and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s ok if this takes a really, really long time.